One of my favorite websites used to be something called "Old Jews Telling Jokes". It looks to me, though, like the bulk of the videos were recently moved to youtube. Oh, and I read that there's going to be a Broadway show (maybe off-Broadway -- not sure). And just a warning, some of the humor is nsfw.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Do we have to go down that alley? Fail jokes are fine but I'm closing this thread if there's gonna be ironic sexism/racism or *phobic jokes.
Sorry. I didn't mean for it to come across that way at all. I just, the title said awful jokes, and there was already several really bad ones. So, I figured that I could share one of the most awful jokes I heard. I really really didn't think it was worse than any others in this thread. Sorry. I admit I'm a big fan of bad jokes, I never though anything I wrote could have been taken as such an extreme.
If I thought you had meant it that way I would've warned you, don't worry. I'm just saying, let's steer clear of that type of awful.
An enterprising young man summons up the ghost of his grandfather to ask him questions about the afterlife. His first question: "Grandfather, what is a million years like when you're a ghost?" "Well, child, what is a million years to you is but a single second to me." His second question: "Grandfather, what is a million dollars like when you're a ghost?" "Well, child, what is a million dollars to you is but a single cent to me." "Oh, reeeally? In that case, Grandfather, would you mind giving me a single cent?" "Of course, child. Just a second..." - That one comes from the visual novel Ever 17. It's one of the few visual novels to have an official English translation, and I highly recommend it. Here's one I heard just today: A man moves to an idyllic small village. Not only is the countryside beautiful, but he hears that you can shout questions down the village well, and on any day but Saturday an answer will echo back. Naturally, he goes to try it out. He shouts "What is the capital of France?" A voice echoes from the depths. "Paris". The man is shocked - the story was true. So he tries again. "What is five times seven?" A voice echoes from the depths. "Thirty-five." So the man thinks a bit and asks the question he's been most curious about. "Why can't I ask questions on Saturday?" A voice echoes from the depths. "Because Saturday's your turn to go in the well."
Hehehe. I first heard the first joke a long time ago in the comics section of the newspaper, but that time it was God answering a man's questions, and a billion years and billion dollars. I didn't know there were other variations of it. I guess there are a lot of variations on the same joke that I've never heard. Also, surprisingly, I only heard of one joke before yours in this thread. Two if you count the battle of lighthouse vs. ship. I have a awful joke that's not really bad, but it involves puns. What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper. Thank you, I'll be here all week.
A young and naive Orthodox Jewish man was engaged to be married and went to his Rabbi for advice. "Congratulations young man on your upcoming nuptuals. What can I help you with?" "Thank you, Rabbi. I don't know how to ask this. I have some questions about... umm... sex." "Oh don't worry, young man. That's nothing to be embarrassed with. Sex in the confines of marriage is not only permitted, but it's encouraged. It is only natural that you have questions." "Well, Rabbi. I've never... umm... And I'm not sure exactly whats permitted. I mean, what about umm... you know... missionary..." "That's perfectly fine, young man. Missionary is very popular, and is perfectly fine and normal. Is that all? "Well, Rabbi.... what about with the woman on top?" "Yes, young man. That is perfectly fine as well. If you and your young wife want to do it that way, there's nothing in the torah to prohibit it. Is there anything else I can help you with?" "Well Rabbi, what about standing up?" "No, young man. Having sex standing up is frowned upon." "Why rabbi?" "Well that could lead to dancing."
A man walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender has a sign up behind the bar that says "For Sale: Talking Dog, $5.00" The man says to the bartender, "You can't be serious! There's no such thing as a dog that can talk!" The bartender says, "I certainly am serious. IF you don't believe, me, go take a look -- he's in the back room" So the man goes to the back room and there he sees a dog. "Can you really talk?" The dog replies, "I sure can" The man says "Wow, that's terriffic! How did you ever learn how to talk?" "When I was a pup, my owner heard me say my first words. So he hired a tutor." "That's just great. I bet you've led an interesting life." "You don't know the half of it. I actually worked undercover for the FBI for a few years investigating the mob. No one ever suspects a dog as a witness. You know that big mob trial a few years back when they convicted all those drug dealers and mob guys, That was me -- I was their key witness" "Wow, that was you?" "Sure was. The mayor himself gave me a special commendation after that trial. At the ceremony, this famous movie director said that he wanted to make a movie about my life. So I've been hanging out in Hollywood now on the weekends, talking to screen writers, and hobnobbing with all these movie stars. " So the guy goes back and talks to the bartender. "Wow, your dog really CAN talk! I am impressed. But why the hell are you trying to sell him for 5 bucks?" "That dog is a goddamn liar -- he never did any of that crap!"
Another talking dog joke: A different man walks into a different tavern with a dog. The man says, "I want a beer and a bowl of peanuts for my dog." The bartender says "Get that Goddamn dog out of my bar! We don't serve dogs here. We don't even ALLOW dogs here!" The man says "Wait. I promise you that this is a special dog. This dog can talk!" The bartender says "I don't care if he's a god damn FBI agent. Dogs are not allowed. The health department can shut us down." The man says "I'll tell you what. I'll prove to you that my dog can talk. If I do that, will you give him a bowl of peanuts?" The bartender says "If that dog can talk, you can have the bowl of peanuts. And that beer is on the house. But if he can't talk, I'm going to kick you out, and I don't want to ever see that lousy mongrel again!" The man says "OK, calm down. Watch this." He says to the dog, "Hey Butch! What do you call the top part of a house?" The dog looks at the man and says "Rrrrooof!" The bartender says "Get the heck out of here now!" The man says "No, no, wait. Hey Butch! On the golf course, what do call the place where balls get stuck if you miss the green" The dog says, "Rrrrrough!!" The bartender at this point reaches under the bar for a baseball bat. "I'm warning you now!" The man says, "Wait! Hey Butch, who's the best baseball player who ever lived?" The dog says "Rrrrruth!" At that point the bartender says "OK I warned you!" and chases the guy and the dog out of the bar with his baseball bat in hand. The dog turns to the man and says "What the hell was I thinking. I should have said Dimaggio!"
Alternate ending to the previous joke... The man says "Hey Butch! What's the capital of Michigan?" Butch says "Drrrluth!" The bartender kicks them out. The man says to the dog, "You idiot! The capital of Michigan is Lansing!"
