The Awful Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Discussions' started by Essence, Dec 16, 2011.

  1. Essence

    Essence Will Mod for Digglebucks

    Old Man And The Beaver

    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
    86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

    I now have a 28 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
    "So what do you think about that Doc?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and
    then began to tell a story.

    "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
    and never misses a season."

    One day he was setting off to go hunting.
    In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
    cane instead of his gun."

    "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
    sitting at the water's edge..

    He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
    shoot the magnificent creature.
    Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
    it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

    "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
    what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said,
    "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
    pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

    The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
  2. IanExMachina

    IanExMachina Member

    I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene.

    Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theatre needs, others that I ruined the nativity.
  3. BadBeat

    BadBeat Member

    A young man was on holiday in New Zeland when he happened across an old man sitting by his field in a small village. Thinking that life looked a bit dull thereabouts, he went up to the old man and started up a conversation.

    "Hi," said the young man, "I'm just on holiday, hiking around here and I can't help but wonder, don't you find this place pretty boring?"

    "Not at all." said the old fellow. "There's heaps of stuff to do around here, young 'un."

    Looking skeptical, the young man said, "Such as?"

    "Well, I remember this one time, this young woman, a traveler like you, got lost in the woods. So three of us went out searching for her. She was pretty grateful for bieng saved. We found her, ****ed her and brought her back home again."

    "That's sounds pretty fun, I guess", said the young man, "what other fun things are there to do?"

    "Well, a few years ago, my neighbours prize goat, Bettsy, got lost in the woods. So three of us went out searching for her. We found her, ****ed her and brought her back home again." said the old man, smiling.

    "...umm...well, if that's the fun things to do around here, what are some of the not so fun things?"

    The old man lost his smile, "Weeelll, I got lost in the woods this one time..."
  4. Velorien

    Velorien Member

    A young man was lost in the woods once (God willing, not the same woods as the joke above). He wandered and wandered, getting hungrier and more tired all the time, until finally he came to a cottage in a clearing. He knocked on the door, and an elderly Chinese man came out.

    "Please, sir, I'm lost and tired and hungry, and it's getting dark. Could I spend the night in your house?"

    "Very well." The old man nodded. "But I warn you now: don't you lay a hand on my daughter, or I will inflict on you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

    Of course, the young man agreed. The daughter was probably old and ugly anyway.

    But when dinnertime came, she served the food and he saw that she was young and very beautiful. After dinner, he summoned up all his self-control and forced himself to go up to the upstairs guest room alone. But he couldn't sleep, and eventually he gave in and snuck into her room and seduced her.

    When he woke up the next morning, he felt a strange pressure on his chest. He opened his eyes and saw an enormous rock with a note on it. The note read:

    "Chinese Torture no.1: Rock on Chest".

    The young man shrugged - this didn't seem so bad. He picked up the rock and heaved it out of the window next to his bed. Then he saw a second note on the windowsill.

    "Chinese Torture no.2: Rock Tied to Left Testicle".

    The young man looked down and saw a coiled rope, rapidly running out. Thinking fast, he decided it was better to have a few broken bones than to get castrated, and he dove out of the window after the rock. As he fell, he saw a third note, inscribed in large letters on the ground.

    "Chinese Torture no.3: Right Testicle Tied to Bedpost".
  5. IanExMachina

    IanExMachina Member

    I went back to see my doctor today.

    I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

    "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

    I said, "On the bus."
  6. Intrinsic

    Intrinsic Member

    Damn if you want awful jokes i got the bestest!

    My New Year's resolutions are:

    1. Stop making lists.
    B. Be more consistent.
    7. Learn to count.
    Velorien likes this.
  7. Essence

    Essence Will Mod for Digglebucks

    Two atoms are walking down the street. One says "Hey, I just lost an electron!"

    The other says "Are you sure?"

    And the first one replies "I'm positive!"
    Godwin likes this.
  8. ScytheKnight

    ScytheKnight Member

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    It was being dragged along behind the bicycle.
  9. Intrinsic

    Intrinsic Member

    Why did the bubblegum cross the road?

    Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
  10. Teslacrashed

    Teslacrashed Member

    Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
    car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
    "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
    The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
    he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
    The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
    he say, Reggie?"
    "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman

    After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
    didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
    The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
    exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
    just before I came back to the States!"

    "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
    "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
  11. doomsdaytom1

    doomsdaytom1 Member

    Q: Why did the boy drop his apple

    A: He got hit by a bus

    A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?", the horse replies
    "my wife just died from cancer"
  12. Essence

    Essence Will Mod for Digglebucks

    Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

    Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

    She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

    Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

    But later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ..... .and left it there all night.
    Kazeto and Godwin like this.
  13. Mashirafen

    Mashirafen Member

    I'd tell you the joke about butter, but you'd spread it.
  14. Haldurson

    Haldurson Member

    This old couple is in the supermarket, and the wife gets caught trying to shoplift a box of donuts. They go to court and the judge asks the woman "So did you take the box of donuts".
    The woman replies "Yes, your honor. I'm sorry, I'll never do it again".
    The judge then asks "how many donuts were in the box?"
    The woman says "Six, your honor"
    The judge thinks, and then says "Ok, then I sentence you to six days in the county jail"
    The husband then stands up and addresses the judge "Your honor, that's totally fair. And let me mention that she also took a can of peas."
  15. Wisse

    Wisse Member

    So a neutron walks into a bar and asks: "How much for a beer?"
    The bartender responds: "For you, no charge!"

    Godwin likes this.
  16. Essence

    Essence Will Mod for Digglebucks

    Norway's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
    small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Norweigan search
    and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
    number to climb as digging continues into the night.
    brobbeh likes this.
  17. Intrinsic

    Intrinsic Member

    ^ the original version of that Joke was about the Irish :D it's a cracker.
  18. What do you call the average dark skinned person?

    A Blacksmith
  19. Essence

    Essence Will Mod for Digglebucks

  20. Haldurson

    Haldurson Member

    A police officer is driving down the highway and he spots an elderly couple driving along at 5 mph. He pulls them over and notices that they are all shaken up, the husband has a death grip on the steering wheel, and his wife is hanging on for dear life to the dashboard.

    The officer.says "why were driving so slow? You do know that the speed limit is 55, don't you? It's unsafe to drive so slow on the highway."

    The husband says "Sorry officer. Yes, I know we're not supposed to drive too much under the speed limit. But that sign over there says 5 miles per hour."

    The officer laughs. "That's not a speed limit, that's the name of the road, Route 5. But why are you so scared? I'm just going to give you a warning."

    The husband sighs deeply and says, "Well we just got off route 120..."
    TheJadedMieu likes this.