The Auger Couple (Opening the Realms, Part 1)

Discussion in 'Stories & Fan Fiction' started by Lorrelian, Jan 23, 2012.

  1. Lorrelian

    Lorrelian Member

    (Ever wonder how the dungeon got to be five whole floors longer?)


    "Yes, Skrillinex?"

    The world's most hated lich didn't even bother looking up from his carefully sorted stamp collection to answer his archdiggle dungeonmate. The overweight tunneler was always worked up about something. It was understandable, in a way. He himself had gone through a phase where he raged at the world for all the injustices, however unlike Skrillinex he didn’t have to worry about his blood pressure.

    "What can I do for you?" Dredmor asked when the diggle didn't immediately answer him.

    "Do for me?" Skrillinex shrieked. "You've already done it! You locked me out of the dungeon again!"

    "Just this floor," Dredmor said calmly, using tweezers to take a rare Norwegian stamp from the bowl of water where it was soaking and then carefully peeling off the old envelope backing. "You know that the doors lock automagically after you close them, you should have taken your keys."

    "I didn't think I'd need my keys! I left the door open behind me."

    Now Dredmor did turn and fix the archdiggle with an annoyed glare. "And I've told you not to do that countless times. It lets those irritable adventurers get in far too easily and the heat from the floor above dries out my stamps!"

    "Stamps," the diggle snorted through its... beak? Nose? Drill? Whatever it was, diggles were capable of snorting through it and Skrillinex did. "Of all the things you could collect, you picked stamps."

    Dredmor daintily wiped the tweezers dry, to prevent rust, and set them aside. "If you were stuck at the bottom of the most abominable dungeon of all time you might develop a wide correspondence as well."

    "Well that's not my problem." Skrillinex hefted the damp, dripping cardboard box in his left flipper and waved it back and forth. "This is. By the time I got through the door my ice cream had melted!"

    It's hard to portray surprise with neither eyebrows nor eyeballs but Dredmor managed it none the less (Skrillinex had given him a lot of practice.) "Why did you have ice cream on the Ninth Floor?"

    "I didn't," the diggle snapped back, throwing the sopping box into a nearby Evisceration Chute. "I usually keep-"

    "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Dredmor screamed. "Do you knew how hard those things are to keep clean?"

    "Why do you even try?" Skrillinex asked, mystified. "The whole point is to eviscerate things with them, isn't it? Last I checked that was pretty messy."

    "There can be nothing in the chute that could offer solace to my enemies!" Dredmor thundered, leaping to his desiccated feet and pacing. "Imagine it- the perfect agony of a flawless evisceration repeated over and over ruined by suddenly infusing the delectable taste of butter pecan into the process!"

    "Actually it was rocky road," the archdiggle muttered.

    "Philistine," Dredmor replied, rolling the glowing orbs in his eye sockets. "A new decree! There shall be no ice cream in the Evisceration Chute!"

    "Yes, do make a note of that."

    "I shall." Dredmor began at once, pulling a fresh quill from his writing desk and sharpening it with one razor sharp bone finger (being a lich had all the best perks.)

    "As I was saying-"

    "Do not speak with your mouth full," Dredmor grumbled absently, his pen scratching away in his little black book.

    A loud swallow. "As I was saying, I keep ice cream on the Seventh Floor. It saves on the voltaic bill and still keeps it cool and tasty."

    "Well, I appreciate your frugality," Dredmor said grudgingly as he put his pen down. Liches did not apologize to minions but perhaps he could recognize the diggle's efforts some way. "What if I made you one of those key chains that- what are you eating?"

    Skrillinex stopped in mid chew. Clearly he had been expecting a long lecture in which to finish his snack. "It's a banana," the diggle answered, not bothering to swallow. "I was going to make a banana split but with no ice cream, there didn't seem to be much point. You're not listening to me, are you?"

    In fact, Dredmor was flipping back through the black book he had been writing in. "Look!" He said, holding it up to the archdiggle. "Here on page forty two. The approved fruits for the dungeon are apples, pears and plums. No others."

    " Plums," Skrillinex said in derision. "Who eats plums anyways? I don't even know anyone who likes them."

    "THERE WILL BE NO BANANAS IN MY DUNGEON, DIGGLE!" Dredmor screamed, belt buckle to face with the diggle lord.

    "Oh, so that's how you want to play it, lich?" Skrillinex carefully folded up the peel of the half eaten banana then dumped in unceremoniously on the dungeon floor between them. "How do you like them apples?"

    "I would like it fine IF THEY WERE APPLES!" Dredmor's eyes no longer glowed- they burned with the fury of Krong and the ceiling shook with the sound of his voice. He thrust one talon at the banana. "This dungeon is my dungeon and you will pick that up!"

    "No way, dry bones! If you want your own personal dungeon, maids and all, you can go as the God of Digging to dig you your own." Skrillinex folded his flippers over his chest and humphed in emphasis.

    Dredmor skewered the archdiggle with his baleful stare for a moment, then reached over and threw his cloak around his shoulders with a flourish. "Very well. Maybe I will."

    The lich swept out in a flutter of cloth leaving Skrillinex in a disbelieving stupor for a moment. But only a moment. Then he stamped one foot and yelled, "FINE!"

    Since it didn't seem like a very witty reply he picked up the banana and threw it at Dredmor’s back. It stuck to the epaulet on his left shoulder but if the lich noticed he gave no sign. Skrillinex shoved his flippers in his pockets and walked away muttering, "Good riddance."

    (To be continued...)
    OmniNegro, blob, Wi§p and 1 other person like this.
  2. Android089

    Android089 Member

    Nice, do more. Its a very interesting read.
  3. Aquaman

    Aquaman Member

    And to think, I just recently added Banana's to my Item Mod Shop :D

    Great story, was entertaining to read.